Distractible Me

Ah, I fondly remember the days when I would linger over a glass of wine or a foamy latte with a friend, conversations about world issues, social justice, faith, and outdoor adventures, filling the space between us. Present, focused, relaxed, engaged are just a few of the words that I might have used to describe myself during those conversations. And after those hours of wonderful conversation, I’d meander out the door, contemplating what shops I might quickly pop into on my way home.

Gone are those days, or so it might seem, replaced by quick lunches and conversations peppered with references to teething, pooping, and nap schedules, worked around frequent floor searches for a dropped toy. Any decent and interesting conversation is quickly interrupted by a cute little 1 year old who steals the show (and mommy’s attention) everywhere he goes with his 4 tooth smile and animated babbling. To be honest, I remember thinking in my life BK (Before Kids), how annoying it was to try to talk with a friend who had her kids with her, with the constant interruptions and change of topics because we couldn’t remember what we had been talking about before those interruptions. But now I get it, I get it because I am that mom, and Distractible Me is my name.

And to be honest, it’s a struggle for me. It’s not any easier than it was when I was on the kidless end of things. It’s a daily challenge I face as a mom, feeling pulled in a multitude of directions. I never want to think of my son as an interruption. He is my focus, my first human priority next to my husband. So, as I continue to learn how to navigate my way through the land of Mommyhood, the challenge becomes, how do I still make time, quality, focused time, in which I can be present with my girlfriends and other people in my life? Relationships are super important to me, they always have been. And now I have these two, soon to be three, main relationships in my life that I desire to pour into with all my heart. But sometimes I feel like I just want to throw my hands up and say, ‘what gives? Because something has got to give.’ While I know relationships with people outside of my family have and will change and morph with the times, I want to be careful to still nurture my closest ones because I personally need that connection.

Last week, a very good friend of mine treated me to dinner in celebration of my birthday. This is a friend with whom our regular connection happens over a walk to the park with our kids, where conversation is choppy at best, squeezed into the moments between runs down the slide and swing-pushing. This birthday dinner was to be sans kids and it was WONDERFUL! 3.5 hours of uninterrupted, meaningful conversation, covering just about every relevant (to us) topic imaginable, including professional ideas and goals, child-rearing philosophies, body image, challenges of marriage, our most recent triumphs and struggles. Did I mention how wonderful it was? Even though it was well past my pathetic bedtime of 9:30 pm when we finally said our goodbyes, I felt more energized and refreshed than I had in a long time. A few days later, our husbands were talking and commented on how happy my friend and I both were when we arrived home that night. The hubbys agreed that we should make this a habit and that they were willing to watch the kids on a regular basis to make it happen for us. No arguments from us, twist of the arms unnecessary, we are so up for that!

One of the topics my friend and I discussed at dinner that night was our frustration with feeling so distracted. Though we both cherish our friendship, we both confessed often feeling like a ‘bad friend’ due to our inability to be truly present with each other. But we both recognize that when one of our kids falls down and hits her head or starts eating the sand rather than playing with it, that conversation is trumped by the need to attend to our little ones. It just is. But this is no easy thing to accept at times. Both of us therapists, we once prided ourselves in being good listeners and in our ability to be truly present and engaged with people. We asked ourselves, is that ability gone? Are we forever destined to be distractible, plate spinning, stressed out moms? NO. No, it doesn’t have to be that way, was our conclusion. We just need to set aside time to cultivate those things, quality time where our attentions aren’t being pulled in all different directions. We absolutely love our kids with all our hearts, but we recognize that we are better wives and moms when we are intentional about having good ole’ girlfriend time!

In the last year, I’ve tried to squeeze girlfriend time into times when I have Ben with me because I’ve wanted to guard my evenings and weekends for time with Tom. And while it’s easy for me to ask Tom to watch Ben while I go for a run, somehow I feel guilty asking for time to get out with a girlfriend. I guess because I’ve had this thinking (until now) that being a Stay-at-home-mom affords me the opportunity to get together with girlfriends all the time, but it’s always with our kids (or at least with my kid if they don’t have kids). So, really it’s not time that allows for deep conversation or connection, it’s more like I have company while I’m taking care of Ben in some way. Making the distinction between the need for company and the need for connection has been huge for me. And knowing that one-on-one time with a friend energizes and refreshes me as much as doing anything active, has been helpful for me in deciding to set aside time for that at least once a month.

I’m finding that my attempt to balance all of the demands of motherhood is no easy task, especially when those demands are constantly changing. I love my husband, I love my baby boy, I love my friends, and I even love the work that I do. Yet I struggle to feel like I’m doing all of these things well, rather I often feel like I’m doing a so-so job at all of them. I know it’s a process, one that requires constant prioritizing and taking the time to remember what’s important to me in the moments when I start to forget, or rather, get distracted!