Meuz Family - 1, Captain Kill-Joy - 0

I once read a book entitled, ‘Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff,’ and ever since I have been practicing letting go of things that aren’t really a big deal, sometimes with success, and sometimes not so much.  As I try  not to sweat the small stuff, I am also working hard to celebrate the small stuff. And in a season (that of 2 kids under 2) where small victories mean everything, I’d like to take a moment to enjoy a little celebration. You see, we’ve recently encountered a certain Captain Kill-Joy. Do you know him? He comes around every so often and tries to kill our joy in different ways. Lately, he hops in the back seat of our car (smooshed in between the two car seats) and taunts Tom and I, “ha ha, your kids rule your life, why even bother going out. You can’t do anything you like to do anymore. You should just stay home. They’re so little, they won’t have fun. Go home. It will be more of a hassle than anything. You’re too old and tired to do this.”  And on and on and on. Captain Kill-Joy, we’re not so pleased to meet you. Why don’t YOU go home.

Kids are in fact, a life changer, but one of the best life changers I've ever experienced. And it’s true, we are in a season where we can’t just hop in the car and go for a spontaneous mountain adventure like we used to. But kids bring a joy that is different than any I’ve ever known. It’s a joy that far surpasses any climb up a 14er, any kayak adventure around the Great Barrier Reef, any backpack trip along the ocean. And that joy comes in small, easy to miss moments, like when you ask Ben who loves him and he starts in on a montage, “mama, dada, nana, oma, opa, papa, bwake (blake), moon, Jesus, trash truck, tea, airplane…” or when you hold Blake in your arms and he looks up at you with his deep blue eyes and throws the tiniest, sweetest smile your way. Or, like this weekend, when you watch your kids' faces light up when you take them on a snow adventure.

All that to say, Tom and I are trying to find balance in it all. We don’t want to be those parents who act as if nothing in their life changed, who just keep on doing all of the things they were doing before kids, only now they haul their kids along with them. But we also don’t want to be the parents who stop doing anything and everything we love because our lives revolve solely around our children. We’re striving for a middle ground somewhere, a ground that allows us to take this season to focus on our kids while still making each other a priority and intentionally carving out time to do things that are life-giving to both of us.  That is the ground we’re looking for. And we may just have found that middle ground this past weekend in Breckenridge.


With Blake hitting the two-month mark, we decided to attempt our first weekend getaway to the mountains. Captain Kill-Joy tried to thwart our efforts. And as I was packing (Tom was out of town the 3 days before we left), the Captain whispered in my ear, ‘is all this effort really worth it?’ Well, as it turns out, it was. Take that, ya lil captain. Moments of playing on the floor with cars and trains were interspersed with moments of sipping hot beverages, while gazing out at the snow-capped mountains.  There were of course some tears, thankfully belonging only to Ben and Blake, but there were even more smiles and laughter to boot. We limited our agenda to one outing a day, the Snow Sculpture festival one day and snow-shoeing the next. And with a little side trip to a coffee shop to warm up after our snow fun, we got the added bonus of the cutest (we’re biased) hot-cocoa face you’ve ever seen.

In an attempt to avoid the horrendous I-70 traffic and maximize the kids’ sleeping time, we decided to go to dinner in Breck before leaving around 7, which is the boys’ bedtime. Captain Kill-Joy made one last hard core effort to take us down as both boys cried through all of dinner. We probably should have asked for to-go boxes right away and bailed, but we stuck it out. Then we hopped in the car, 1 out of 2 boys still crying and headed for home, only to be greeted by the bright red glow of brake lights. What? 8pm and there’s still crazy mountain traffic, you’ve got to be kidding me. But we cranked up the music and decided not to let the ole Captain have his way with us. We rolled in at 10pm, tired but not defeated. We looked at each other and said, ‘that was a fun weekend and totally worth it. When can we do it again?’

Meuz Family – 1, Captain Kill-Joy – 0.

Lessons Learned: You CAN do things you love even with young kids, it just may be a tamer version; Keep it simple; Always be prepared to bail on a plan; Always have good music in your car; Hot beverages can bring an ounce of calm to even the most chaotic of moments; Choose joy...always.

12 Intentions for 2012

12 Intentions for 2012
I am a goals person. I love setting them. I love reaching them. And I love the journey in between. This year, I have a plethora of goals, perhaps too many. I may not reach some of them and I'm actually ok with that, because holding loosely is the constant goal of my life. So, this year, I thought I'd start with some overarching themes, things I'm aiming for, aiming to be, aiming to live out in my daily life, followed by some specific goals. I'm simply calling them my intentions and here they are, in no particular order:

1. Love in tangible ways - Kiss 3 guys every day (my 3 guys, that is) and get down on the floor for some fun, silly time with each boy, each and every day.
2. Call it like I see it - Choose to see the positives and the strengths and the qualities I appreciate in Tom and call them out to him on a daily basis
3. Come to the table - Eat meals sitting at the table with Ben, helping to make mealtime one of the most fun times of the day.
4. Speak life and possibility into the lives of those around me. Enough said.
5. Choose whole foods - eat foods and serve foods to my family that do our bodies good, foods found in their purest form. Try new and creative combinations.
6. Turn and look upwards, often - Engage with my maker all throughout the day.
7. Make a S.H.I.F.T. - Strong, Healthy, Inspired, Fast, Toned (Stroller Strides 3x/wk, Run a 1/2 marathon, Olympic Distance Triathlon)
8. Write from the inside out - Write often, short, long, about nothing, about everything, sensical, non-sensical, profound or insignificant, unedited, just write.
9. Be not afraid to expand my horizons and explore new possibilities - Get Stroller Strides Instructor certification.
10. Be a mover not a shaker - Sell our home and move into a new home w/ a little more space and closer to the people and mountains we love.
11. Get my green groove on - Create a garden and grow some goodness (dependent on #10).
12. Chronicle my journey with authenticity and joy - blog 1x/week

Always Darkest Before the Dawn

For those of you that read my last couple of posts, you might have thought I was falling apart a bit. That's ok. I'm ok. More than anything, I'm just aiming to be honest and authentic about my journey, the sweet, amazing parts AND the disappointing, trying times. What I've found to be quite fascinating is that these often occur together, side by side. I sometimes feel like I'm living in a circle of paradoxes.Tears adorn laughter. Frustration dances with contentment. Anger smack dab in the middle of love. Energy in the midst of exhaustion. Beauty in the midst of struggle. Connection alongside loneliness. Fear intertwined with trust. As a mom, my love for my boys feels both euphoric and terrifying, for it runs that deep. But my appreciation for those paradoxes is growing, maybe not always in the moment in which they are occurring, but in the end. I believe that they provide a contrast that truly enriches us. I know loss because I know love. I so greatly appreciate a good belly laugh because I also know gut wrenching tears.

In the last two weeks, I feel like I have turned a corner. As Florence (and the Machine) has so wonderfully reminded me in her song, Shake it Out, it's always darkest before the dawn (By the way, that song makes me want to dance, dance all the darkness away. Check it out!). I wrote the last two posts about 3 weeks ago and since then it feels as though the dawn has come. I feel brighter. I feel the strength and grace of my Maker. I don't know how else to put it. Perhaps those crazy hormones have died down a bit. Perhaps it's because I've begun to find a rhythm and establish good routines. Perhaps it's because I'm figuring out just how fabulously helpful one deep breath can be amidst two screaming kids. Perhaps it's because I'm getting slightly more sleep. I'm guessing it's a combo of sorts. Regardless of the whys, I am grateful and hopeful and joyful. That's not to say that every moment has been perfect or gone smoothly, but it is to say that I feel much more calm, hopeful, and strong in the midst of those moments gone wrong. Maybe I'm learning to live a little better in the paradoxes of daily life. So, today, that's what I celebrate, the good and the bad, the easy and the hard existing side by side and me aiming to stand with a hopeful posture, right smack dab in the middle.

Discoveries and Observations

A random collection of things I'm learning and want to hold on to when the circus that is my life kicks into high gear:

- I love mornings. Not so much those initial moments of morning when I am suddenly awoken from my dream-filled sleep by one, often two children crying, children whose needs are immediate or so their cries would indicate. But once I’m up, remember who and where I am, and am moving around…then mornings are a time bursting with energy and new possibilities. Mornings bring with them a clean slate and provide what sometimes is a much needed ‘do-over.’
- Choosing an attitude of patience, love, and joy first thing in the morning is directly correlated with how the day unfolds.
- I’m worthless in the afternoons, exhausted, ‘fall asleep washing dishes’ kind of tired.
- Lack of good mommy time = Ben acting out, as evidenced by his attempts to whack his brother in the face, pull ornaments off the tree and furtively place them in the trash can, and push all the buttons on the dvd player so as to mommy-proof it.
- Talking to other mamas and reading mom blogs is both life-giving and normalizing for me. Both keep me sane and remind me of why it’s not a good idea to get in my car by myself and drive to a far away beach, despite my momentary yearnings to do so.
- I see parts of my personality in my kids. This is both rewarding and terrifying.
- I feel sad when I think about Ben’s allergies, thinking about how he will never be able to just go out and enjoy a meal at a restaurant without asking a multitude of questions, or go to a birthday party without my specially made cupcakes accompanying him. As silly as it may sound, I think I need to grieve this. And soon, he will probably need to grieve too, in his own way.
- 4:00-6:00 are my hardest hours, the witching hours, as I call them. Usually both kids are awake and cranky and I am exhausted. I need to be intentional about remembering the the sweet moments of my day before Tom gets home, so that he hears the positives and doesn’t think the whole day looked like the 4-6 hour circus.
- A deep breath can do wonders.
- The swing was a magical, wonderful, worth-every-penny purchase.
- Look upward throughout the day, there’s grace waiting to be had.
- This is a season. I will not feel this tired forever.
- Hold loosely. The kids are constantly changing, thus our routines will constantly change.
- Bonding with and pouring love out on Blake doesn’t diminish my love for Ben.
- Blake has beautiful big blue eyes and a dreamy little smile.
- Ben takes a little while to check things out and warm up in a new situation. I can think of this as clingy or I can see it as cautious and observant. I choose the latter. And once he’s observed and feels comfortable, he goes at things wholeheartedly. I see this as brave and passionate.
- Cleaning needs (if it really needs to be done, which is still up for debate) to take place in the early morning, when I have the most energy and when Blake is sleeping, after I’ve had good playtime with Ben.
- God will not give me more than I can handle, right?
- Things go much much better when I let my husband figure things out and do them his way rather than tell him how to do everything related to the boys.
- I am much more of a routine person than I ever thought I was, or at least than I used to be. Routines play a huge role in whether I will thrive that day. Of course, so does holding loosely to said routine!
- Ben is mastering various word sounds. The latest sound is “oo,” which he practices by saying the words, “moon,” “Boo,” “Moo (milk),” and “choo choo” what seems like 100 times a day. It would be annoying if his voice wasn’t so dang sweet. I hope I never get annoyed by his repetition of words, but I’m sure I will when all I hear is ‘mommy’ all day long.
- Ben loves to climb anything and everything. I wonder how small they make climbing harnesses? Let’s get this energy harnessed in a productive direction, shall we?
- Ben loves music and books and he has a curiosity that I’m jealous of.
- A walk does us all good.
- An outing between 3-5 is essential. It doesn’t matter if it’s to the park, the museum, the grocery store, or just to drive circles around the neighborhood. WE NEED TO GET OUT.
- I love my boys more than I could have ever imagined and I want more than anything for that not to get lost in the tense, whine-filled moments of an afternoon.
- My husband and I are a team. We are on the SAME team (a key thing to remember when things hit the fan) and when it comes down to it, we make a kick-a$@ team, if I do say so myself.

A New Life, A New Landscape

Wow, this is the longest stretch I've gone without a post since I started this blog. I suppose that's indicative of the season we're in, one in which free time is a rarity. This year was a year of great change and great blessing. The biggest blessing came on Thanksgiving Day, when our beautiful new son, Blake Hendrik was born. Born at Mountain Midwifery Center, my labor and his birth were completely different than that of Ben's, a strong reminder that Blake is his own unique person, with a different set of looks and his own special personality. And even as we are adjusting to being parents of two boys who are very close in age, less than 17 months apart (more on that rollercoaster ride later), we are eagerly anticipating watching his personality unfold.

**(Photo credit to Sara Lazio w/ Lazio Images. She is amazing!).

These days my brain most closely resembles a bowl of mush and I'm rarely cognizant of what day it is. I haven't written much because I feel like I can barely string together a coherent sentence, let alone a whole paragraph that adequately expresses the stirrings inside. And my body, oh my body has never been so exhausted, so tired, so achily fatigued, not even after any of my 4 marathons, not after my toughest weeks on the trail as a backpacking guide, not following the births of my sons. One month after Blake's birth and I am the most tired I have ever been. Sure, the sleep deprivation is a big part of that, but I that on top of the physical exertion required to constantly hold one baby, sometimes a toddler too has brought forth a fatigue that a month's worth of sleep couldn't cure.

But one thing I am reminded of often is this is a season.  And seasons change, whether we want them to (and sometimes we desperately do) or not (and sometimes we desperately wish for them to stay). Each season has, as I call them, its beauty points and its buggers. Just as summer brings with it sunshine and long lit days, it also ushers in a bounty of mosquitos. Right now the landscape of what seems like a bazillion poopy diapers a day, sleepless nights, and groggy days is also dotted with soft, sweet, milky breathe, tender little coos, and melt-your-heart first smiles. I'd be lying if I said, it doesn't get any better than this. I'd also be lying if I said I loved all four seasons equally. But, I can say in all honesty that there are aspects of every season that I do thoroughly enjoy, so in this season of juggling a teething toddler and crying newborn, I'm clinging to the little things, the sweet tender moments that pass in the blink of an eye. As for the rest, let this crazy rollercoaster fly on!