Monday, August 15, 2011

Simple Moments, Sweet Joys

While I can’t remember much these days, I do remember when I was pregnant with my first child, Ben, and people would ask me all sorts of questions, mostly of the well-meaning but occasionally dumbfounding variety (like, did you really just comment, ‘you look huge, are you so ready to have that baby?’). And then they would often proceed in their attempts to ‘prepare me for motherhood’ by saying things like, “sleep now because you won’t sleep for the next 18 years” or “ get ready because your life is about to totally change, it’s gonna be all about diapers and feeding and the latest Pixar movie from here on out.” Or there’s my favorite, “brace yourself for this baby to rock your marriage. It’s extremely difficult to find time for you and hubby to connect once baby arrives and to talk about things other than poopy diapers and a sleep schedule. But you need to find that time, so be intentional.” The picture of the child-rearing phase being painted in my head could have easily been entitled, “Misery.” Hearing all of these stories and pieces of advice started to send me into a bit of a panic as I found myself begging my husband, “Tell me again, why we chose to do this.” But I reasoned that those same people choose to have more than one child, so there has to be an/some upside(s), right?

And in all honesty, now that I have my own child, I can say that much of what people ‘warned’ me about is true in some way. It IS challenging. Having a child does change your life, it does change your marriage, but not all for worse, and in fact, not even mostly. What I wasn’t hearing much of when I was pregnant, what I wished I had heard, were the sweet moments, the ones that I think people are thinking of (but often don’t bother to tell you or perhaps they can’t articulate) when they pat me on the shoulder and assured me, “but it’s all worth it.” In my opinion, those are the stories that expectant mamas and papas need to hear. Of course it’s healthy to have our expectations set as realistic as possible, but there are plenty of books out there to inform us of our impending lack of sleep. And the reality, at least my reality, is that there are countless tender moments that really don’t carry the weight they deserve until you experience them for yourself. So, now that I’ve ventured a mere 14 months into the motherhood and am preparing to welcome another little monkey to our family, I thought I would share just 10 (of many) sweet moments I’ve experienced with Ben that consistently melt my heart, increase the ‘love-flow’ as I call it, and truly (I swear to you) make being a mom, the incredible, wonderful, life-changing journey that it is.

1. The wide-eyed gaze of wonderment that my son gets when he rides in the stroller, in awe of the trees rustling in the wind, the puffy white clouds dancing in the sky, and the birds serenading us as we stroll on by (one big reason why a ‘peek-window’ in the shade canopy is so worth it!)

2. The hearty laughter that erupts from the pit of his belly in uncontrollable waves simply because that one little piggy dared to go ‘wee wee wee, all the way home.’

3. The look of joy that emanates from his face as he hears the altogether new sound that he created by banging 2 plastic balls together in his tiny hands.

4. When we arrive home in the car and he is cashed out in his carseat, appearing so peaceful and serene, his long eyelashes resting on his cheeks, which appear chubbier and even more kissable than usual. And I take a moment to watch and listen to his soft rhythmic breathing, a sort of breathing that speaks the language of rest.

5. The glowing pride he radiates as he dares to take an unassisted step and then proceeds to crash into the safety of my embrace, laughing with delight.

6. The initial moments following a nap, when I walk into his room, assuring him and his tears that “mommy is here.” He peers up at me from his crib, still half asleep, arms stretched in the air, with that one giant, salty tear drop still resting on his cheek. I pick him up and he clings with both hands to my neck and rests his warm, sleepy head on my shoulder, cuddling for a moment or two before he spots his toy on the floor and starts squirming to get down, ready to begin exploring his world all over again.

7. Bathtime – His excitement and laughter as he splashes at the water and squirts a stream into my face with his little dolphin-shaped bath toy. And as I bundle him up in his towel and nuzzle my face into his tufts of soft, fine hair, I breathe in the sweet smells of chamomile and lavender, sweetness to my senses.

8. The persistence he demonstrates as he pushes his fire truck through the living room, up and over that pillow that threatened to stop him, ‘vroom-vrooming his way on through!’

9. I can’t help but laugh and appreciate (for now anyway) the moments when he dares to drop a piece of food over the edge of his high chair to our dog, who now consistently parks her ever-widening behind under the high chair at meal time. As I point to my mouth and firmly say, ‘Ben, you eat your food, in your mouth please. Do not give it to Sami,’ he flashes me a rebellious grin, drops it right into Sami’s mouth, and laughs like he’s just pulled off the biggest scam in the world. Like I said, it’s funny now but ask me again in two years!

10. When we arrive somewhere new and to him, quite foreign, I can see the adventurous look in his eyes. He wants so desperately to explore his new surroundings. He wanders out from my embrace, crawling (soon to be walking) over to some shiny object or person, to check it out. And a moment or two later, he quickly comes crawling back to my arms, a place where he has learned will greet him with safety and love. And he repeats this ‘out and back’ behavior over and over again, each time discovering a little more how he is separate from me, his own little person, but also how he can still come back to me, and I will be there. I recognize that these ‘out and back’ adventures are going to become farther and last longer with each passing year, which is why I want to cherish each and every sweet, tender, joy-evoking moment with him that I can!

(Right click and press 'stop download' if you can't play the video; and you might want to turn your volume down to avoid hearing my high-pitched, squeaky mom voice!)



Monday, August 8, 2011

Love The One You're With!


Standing in the grocery store line last week, I couldn’t help but be assaulted by, err, notice the magazine headlines clamoring for my attention: “10 Tips to Get a Hot Body Now;” “Swimsuits That Slim You Instantly;” “Four kids, no time, this body…find out how she does it.;” “How to Get the Body of Your Favorite Celeb;” “5 cellulite fixes that actually work;” “The trick to getting rid of your double chin;” “Down 35 lbs and already rockin’ a bikini bod just 5 weeks after giving birth.” I wanted to burn them all, the magazines that is, not because I wouldn’t love to have the body of a celebrity or lose my double chin, but because I tire of the messages our culture sends to women about their bodies. Messages like, you have to be skinny to be sexy, you’ll only be desired for your outward beauty, you’re identity is in how you look, and on and on they go. They’re sometimes subtle, sometimes blatant, but either way they tend to leave women feeling dissatisfied with their bodies and under constant pressure to look a certain way.

I’m very much for healthy eating, being fit and in shape, and taking care of your body. But I’m also for balance, accepting the body you’ve been given, and rockin’ what you got! The journey to have a healthy body image has been life-long for me. And not long after I hit my stride as I rolled into my 30’s, feeling really comfortable in my own skin, did I get pregnant. At first, there wasn’t much of a physical change, at least outwardly. Yet the hormones kicked in immediately, ‘the girls’ began to ache, and my tummy began to rebel. And shortly thereafter, the visible signs appeared as my belly began to burgeon, along with other parts of me that unexpectedly burgeoned too! For me, it was my backside, my bum, my derriere, whatever you want to call it. When I'm preggo, it grows at approximately the same pace as my belly. Perhaps it's attempting to even things out, so as to keep me balanced, or at least that's what I tell myself anyway!

Every woman is different and thus, the shape that a pregnancy takes varies from body to body. The one certainty is that your body will change when you're pregnant. How do you handle this change? Some women welcome it completely, taking great comfort and joy in the fact that this ever expanding body is growing another human being. But many women I've talked to experience mixed feelings, the comfort and joy mentioned above, meshed with a struggle to love their widening, softening, and ever growing body.

An even greater challenge for many women, me included, is that of embracing our bodies which are forever changed once we've pushed out that bowling ball-sized bundle of love. No one warned me that I would still look pregnant AFTER I gave birth! I remember having a friend come to visit me in the hospital the day that my son was born. I was in the bathroom when she arrived and as I came out, I felt the need to warn her, "I swear I gave birth today, but I still look pregnant!" This not to mention that I was incredibly swollen EVERYWHERE due to the IV that had to be pumped through me for 45 hours. I look back at pictures of me with my family, shortly after Ben's birth, and let's just say, it's hard for me to see myself in that state.

I immediately loved my sweet baby boy more than I ever thought I could love someone who wasn't my husband, but I struggled to accept all the jiggle in places I never knew could jiggle and that I weighed more than I ever had in my life even though I was sans baby in the belly. But through the years, I've come to realize that body image or how I feel about my body is really a matter of perception and attitude. I know women who at 39 weeks pregnant, if you looked at them from the backside, you wouldn't be able to tell they were pregnant. And those same women slid back into their size 2 skinny jeans just days after giving birth. Yet, in talking with some of those women, they too, identified parts of their bodies with which they were dissatisfied. As someone who will NEVER don a pair of skinny jeans (due to calves that are about the same size as my thighs, ok not quite, but you get the picture), I initially thought to myself, 'but how in the world could you be dissatisfied with your body when you look like THAT?' But I was quickly reminded that no matter our shape or size, we as women can always find parts of our bodies that we don't like, often times much more easily than we can identify the parts we're happy with. All too often, I think we waste a lot of energy being mad at our bodies, rather than making friends with them.

Long before my baby-making days, in effort to 'make friends with my body,' I began asking myself this question from time to time, "Right now, is your body a stranger, enemy, or friend?" I began to explore my views and beliefs towards my body and where those were coming from. I found that many of my beliefs came from what culture was telling me I was supposed to look like rather than what my preferences were or what made me feel good.

After giving birth, I desperately needed to revisit the stranger, enemy, or friend question. I also realized that I needed to spend some time reflecting on the awesome feats my body had just pulled off. As I did, I began to thank my body. It may sound corny, but sometimes a little heart to heart, or rather heart to thighs dialogue is necessary for me. And as I listen to my body, and sit in awe of everything my body does for me on a daily basis, I am filled with gratitude, able to more easily accept my not-so-favorite-parts.

These are a few questions/exercises that seem to help me and thought I’d pass them along!

1. Right now, do you see your body as a stranger, enemy, or friend?
2. What attitude do you have towards your body today? Positive or negative? Grateful or disparaging?
3. Make a list of the amazing things your body has done for you today. Perhaps you could start with the fact that your body woke up this morning breathing!
4. What have you done to love your body today? Maybe start with thinking about what things you could actually do to love your body. Here are a few that I like: feeding it healthy foods, exercise, warm bath
5. Think of something that makes you feel beautiful, not beautiful in the "so and so told me I totally rock those jeans" kind of beautiful, but something that makes you feel beautiful inside and out. For me, it's going for a hike or a run, somewhere in nature. Something about the sun shining on my face, the wind blowing in my hair, and my body carrying me up a hill leaves me feeling strong and beautiful. Whatever it is for you, DO IT!
6. What does it look like for you to accept what you're not and embrace all that you are, when it comes to your body?

As my second pregnancy ensues, it once again is debatable as to whether the baby is growing in my belly or my bum, but I'm in a much better place this time around to be friends with my burgeoning backside. I'm choosing to treat my body right, eating healthy and exercising, and I feel great. Everyday, I make it a practice to thank my body for its willingness to undergo such duress, so as to grant me with another beautiful family member to love. After all, we only have one body, so I say, love the one you're with!