Saturday, July 23, 2011

Hard Wall, Hard Head

I suppose it's been a while, as in decades, since I've stopped to actually think about the fact that if I move head first towards a wall, my head and the wall will at some point collide, movement will be halted and it may very well hurt. At my wise old age of 37 (it's true, it's true) that reality is pretty ingrained and thus I make it a habit not to walk or crawl head first into walls. That's not to say that I don't bang my head frequently on other things like cabinet doors, because I do, but not purposefully! However, my cute little 1 yr old has no such wisdom yet and is, in fact, discovering the many things his body can do. He's developing his spacial awareness, aka crawling head first into walls and closing doors on his fingers. He will literally crawl right into the wall, almost as if to say, "I've learned the wall is coming, but where is it? How far until I get to it? Oh, there it is, ouch!" (As evidenced in video below!)


He's discovering the sounds he can make when he bangs his hands (and his head) on different things, like the wall, the window, a bowl, his high chair, my leg, etc... And then he's also learning how to open and close doors, fascinated by his ability to do so, but altogether surprised when he pushes the door so as to wedge his head in between the door and the door frame and then can't figure out how to pull his head out. Both the look of "Mommy, I did it, I opened the door, I'm so proud!" and the look of "oh no, oh no, I got my head stuck. This was fun but now it's nooooooot" are priceless, each in their own ways.

I love love love watching him discover what he can do as I imagine the surprise, the joy, the pride, the frustration, and sometimes even the fear he seems to feel with each new discovery. This last week, he took his first step by himself and then immediately proceeded to crash into my arms, face marked with a giant smile and a belly filled with laughter. Oh and my heart is stretched a little bigger by the soft fists of joy with each of these tender moments. Yes, I may have gained some wisdom over the years, even though I am pretty sure I've lost a good deal of it during these two pregnancies. But I've started to wonder, in gaining wisdom, knowledge, and familiarity, perhaps a little of the joy of discovery is lost. How many 'firsts' do I have now, at my age? Yet, Ben is full of firsts, his life full of newness and discovery. And in watching him, I am reminded to continue discovering and finding new ways to stretch and grow myself. I don't think I'll start crawling into walls, but I am encouraged to try some new things, being ever the learner. Thanks, once again Ben, for a sweet reminder. You truly are my pride and joy...and though you have one hard head, you also have one tender heart!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Distractible Me

Ah, I fondly remember the days when I would linger over a glass of wine or a foamy latte with a friend, conversations about world issues, social justice, faith, and outdoor adventures, filling the space between us. Present, focused, relaxed, engaged are just a few of the words that I might have used to describe myself during those conversations. And after those hours of wonderful conversation, I’d meander out the door, contemplating what shops I might quickly pop into on my way home.

Gone are those days, or so it might seem, replaced by quick lunches and conversations peppered with references to teething, pooping, and nap schedules, worked around frequent floor searches for a dropped toy. Any decent and interesting conversation is quickly interrupted by a cute little 1 year old who steals the show (and mommy’s attention) everywhere he goes with his 4 tooth smile and animated babbling. To be honest, I remember thinking in my life BK (Before Kids), how annoying it was to try to talk with a friend who had her kids with her, with the constant interruptions and change of topics because we couldn’t remember what we had been talking about before those interruptions. But now I get it, I get it because I am that mom, and Distractible Me is my name.

And to be honest, it’s a struggle for me. It’s not any easier than it was when I was on the kidless end of things. It’s a daily challenge I face as a mom, feeling pulled in a multitude of directions. I never want to think of my son as an interruption. He is my focus, my first human priority next to my husband. So, as I continue to learn how to navigate my way through the land of Mommyhood, the challenge becomes, how do I still make time, quality, focused time, in which I can be present with my girlfriends and other people in my life? Relationships are super important to me, they always have been. And now I have these two, soon to be three, main relationships in my life that I desire to pour into with all my heart. But sometimes I feel like I just want to throw my hands up and say, ‘what gives? Because something has got to give.’ While I know relationships with people outside of my family have and will change and morph with the times, I want to be careful to still nurture my closest ones because I personally need that connection.

Last week, a very good friend of mine treated me to dinner in celebration of my birthday. This is a friend with whom our regular connection happens over a walk to the park with our kids, where conversation is choppy at best, squeezed into the moments between runs down the slide and swing-pushing. This birthday dinner was to be sans kids and it was WONDERFUL! 3.5 hours of uninterrupted, meaningful conversation, covering just about every relevant (to us) topic imaginable, including professional ideas and goals, child-rearing philosophies, body image, challenges of marriage, our most recent triumphs and struggles. Did I mention how wonderful it was? Even though it was well past my pathetic bedtime of 9:30 pm when we finally said our goodbyes, I felt more energized and refreshed than I had in a long time. A few days later, our husbands were talking and commented on how happy my friend and I both were when we arrived home that night. The hubbys agreed that we should make this a habit and that they were willing to watch the kids on a regular basis to make it happen for us. No arguments from us, twist of the arms unnecessary, we are so up for that!

One of the topics my friend and I discussed at dinner that night was our frustration with feeling so distracted. Though we both cherish our friendship, we both confessed often feeling like a ‘bad friend’ due to our inability to be truly present with each other. But we both recognize that when one of our kids falls down and hits her head or starts eating the sand rather than playing with it, that conversation is trumped by the need to attend to our little ones. It just is. But this is no easy thing to accept at times. Both of us therapists, we once prided ourselves in being good listeners and in our ability to be truly present and engaged with people. We asked ourselves, is that ability gone? Are we forever destined to be distractible, plate spinning, stressed out moms? NO. No, it doesn’t have to be that way, was our conclusion. We just need to set aside time to cultivate those things, quality time where our attentions aren’t being pulled in all different directions. We absolutely love our kids with all our hearts, but we recognize that we are better wives and moms when we are intentional about having good ole’ girlfriend time!

In the last year, I’ve tried to squeeze girlfriend time into times when I have Ben with me because I’ve wanted to guard my evenings and weekends for time with Tom. And while it’s easy for me to ask Tom to watch Ben while I go for a run, somehow I feel guilty asking for time to get out with a girlfriend. I guess because I’ve had this thinking (until now) that being a Stay-at-home-mom affords me the opportunity to get together with girlfriends all the time, but it’s always with our kids (or at least with my kid if they don’t have kids). So, really it’s not time that allows for deep conversation or connection, it’s more like I have company while I’m taking care of Ben in some way. Making the distinction between the need for company and the need for connection has been huge for me. And knowing that one-on-one time with a friend energizes and refreshes me as much as doing anything active, has been helpful for me in deciding to set aside time for that at least once a month.

I’m finding that my attempt to balance all of the demands of motherhood is no easy task, especially when those demands are constantly changing. I love my husband, I love my baby boy, I love my friends, and I even love the work that I do. Yet I struggle to feel like I’m doing all of these things well, rather I often feel like I’m doing a so-so job at all of them. I know it’s a process, one that requires constant prioritizing and taking the time to remember what’s important to me in the moments when I start to forget, or rather, get distracted!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Adventures of Summer


July, already? Fourth of July weekend felt like it should have been Memorial Day Weekend! Where is the summer going? My little baby boy is now officially a toddler (sniff sniff), turning 1 last week. And much to my disbelief, I am already 20 weeks along in this pregnancy. Half way, woot woot! I summarize this part of the pregnancy with the phrase, "gaining pounds, losing speed." What phrase would characterize your life right now? Between the heat and the belly, I'm losing steam when it comes to my workouts, growing more tired by the day. But it feels good to continue to at least show up, just not pushing myself as much. I continue to learn what it means to have both awareness of my body and listen to what it's telling me. Yesterday it told me that it needed ice cream!

As I mentioned, I'm 20 weeks along, which means we had 'the big ultrasound.' Thankfully, baby looked healthy and we saw lots of appropriately formed parts, fingers, toes, spine, legs, arms, nose, and one definite penis! Yes, we are having another boy! For those of you that remember, I cried when they told me Ben was a boy. It was mostly because I come from a family of 3 girls and I had absolutely no idea about boys. Yes, I married a man, but boys? I didn't have a clue and I always pictured myself being the mom of a little girl. Apparently, God had another idea in mind for our family, as I'm about to become the mom of not one, but 2 boys! Now that I know Ben and the delight that he is each and every day, I can't imagine it any other way. But I'm still spending a good deal of time these days contemplating what it means to be the mom of two boys. Only time will tell!

One thing I know to be certain is that if the second is anything like Ben, it will mean lots of activity and even more loads of dirt! Ben proves over and over again his love for the elements, particularly earth and water.
He makes a beeline towards anything with water, the dog dish, the toilet, a water bottle, he can't get enough! And the dirt, well, he loves to play in the dirt. We went camping up at Lake Dillon for 3 nights over the Fourth of July weekend and we had a blast. But I have to laugh at myself in hindsight. I went armed with wash cloths and multiple packages of wet wipes, with intentions of keeping Ben clean throughout the weekend. HAH!!! Clean would not re-enter any of our self-descriptions until we exited the shower back at home. To say that we got down and dirty would be an understatement. For proof see the pics! Fortunately, having been a backpacking guide, I don't mind the dirt and thus, we kind of adopted the attitude, 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!'

The camping weekend was an adventure in and of itself, attempting to get a 1 yr old to go to sleep in a tent when it's still light out, dogs are barking, older kids are laughing and playing, and people are talking right outside of that tent.

It strikes me as funny to see how my definition of an adventure has morphed throughout the years. For now, three nights camping while 5 months preggo and with a 1 yr. old, qualifies as an adventure. For me, so long as there is an element of the outdoors and an element of challenge, I am happy. I am a better wife, mom, and friend, when adventure is somehow infused into my life. That is one thing I have learned this year.

That being said, we will embark on another big adventure in a few weeks, a 9 hour road trip and 3 day trip on a house boat on Lake Powell. Things on the list to buy: lots of snacks and a life vest that fits a 17 pounder! And for now, we live into the little adventures of everyday life, like getting creative with our veggies from our CSA and that of that of transitioning from bottle to sippy cup and infant car seat to big boy convertible seat. Summer is flying, life is full of adventure, just the way I like it!