Friday, June 18, 2010

When Average Is Perfect


I find it fascinating that as pregnant women, at least in this culture, we hope for nothing more than our growing babies to be average. Abnormalities on ultrasounds are not good things and when we're 28 weeks along, we hope to be measuring 28 cm, not 27 and not 29. We hope for our baby to be wigglin around in there enough, but not too much and not too frantically. We hope for a heart rate between 125-160, because that's average and doctors grow concerned if the heart rate is to low or too high. The reality is that when we are growing these little beings in our bellies, average is just perfect.

And then, what happens? From the moment those babies are ushered out into this world, at least this Western, achievement-based world, average suddenly isn't good enough anymore. Moms and dads secretly hope for their child to be the first one smiling and talking and walking. They have dreams about their kids being all-star athletes, world leaders, the one responsible for discovering a cure to a deadly disease. I'm not going to lie, Tom and I have had conversations, mostly in jest about, but conversations none the less about our little guy playing in the world cup someday. And who can blame parents for wanting their kids to be above average, 'heads above the rest?' Parents want the best for their kiddos, they desire to see them reach their full potential, whatever that is and whatever that looks like, right?

And here I sit, sleepless once again at 4:30 am, wishing for my baby boy to be average right now. You see, we had an ultrasound on Tuesday because the doctor was cncerned that I was measuring small. I'm 37.5 weeks and as it turns out, baby's head is measuring 36 weeks, but his belly and femur are measuring 33 weeks. The leg measurement isn't of so much concern to the docs, but the belly one is because it could ('could' being the key word) indicate that mini meuz is not receiving the nutrition he needs in the womb and they might want to get him out sooner than later so he can grow more easily. They are sending us to a Perinatalogist tomorrow (which is technically today since it's 4:30) or Monday to get another ultrasound, a more high-tech ultrasound by a specialist. It could just be that we make small babies, ones with big heads! After all, I was only 5lbs and a few ounces and was born on my due date. And well, Tom, self-admittedly has a big head, literally in circumferance, it's big, extremely good-looking, but big!

And so I sit and wonder about this little being in my belly. I wish I could talk to him and check in to see if he's getting enough to eat. I just want him to be average, in the sense that I just wish for him tobe healthy, to get what he needs. I know that the One who created him knows AND cares, and I trust that. I know that he was knitted with care in my womb and that every little hair on his body is numbered. Yes, I know. And yet I still find myself wanting to make deals with God, like if you just keep him healthy now, I'll never wish for anything more. Right! Number one, I don't believe that's how God works and number 2, it's a complete lie because I know myself and I know that I will be wanting the best for my little guy all the more after he enters this world.

I suppose the key is to let this story unfold, to continue to trust in the one who made this little guy inside me, and to let him unfold as a unique and beautiful person, however average or below average or above average he may be. Easier said than done. I sense another life-long lesson about to begin...

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Update on My Sister

So, some of you have been asking about my sister. Thank you. To update you, her son, Connor Michael Brumelle was born at 1:30 am, 6 lbs 13oz, 21 inches. Kacey is recovering well though completely exhausted, as you can imagine. Connor was taken to the NICU initially due to some dropping oxygen and glucose levels as well as something to do with his lungs. Last I talked to her this morning, oxygen and glucose were stabilized and they were still looking into the lung thing, but thought he might be able to spend the night in the room with Kacey and Sean. Sean was able to hold Connor immediately following the c-section, but Kacey has yet to be able to hold him, so I know she is very much looking forward to that moment.

Again, thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Definitely a lesson in BOTH loving deeply and holding loosely!

Holding Loosely...

I should warn you that it's 2:20 am, so if anything in here doesn't make sense, chalk it up to a sleep deprived pregnant woman. Many people who know me well are familiar with my life 'motto,' for lack of a better word, "love deeply, hold loosely." Ever since someone very dear to me passed away, I have attempted to live my life in this way, attempted being the key word. And it seems to be the holding loosely part that often bites me in the you know where. You'd think I'd have gotten it by now with all the practice I've had, but no, there always seem to be more opportunities for growth in this area.

So, why am I writing this at 2 something in the morning? Because I can't sleep. Because my little sister is in the middle of an emergency c-section after one of the most difficult labors I've ever heard of in my life. She's been having relatively strong contractions every 5-10 min apart since last Wednesday at 4:30 a.m. That's right, she hadn't slept for more than 2 hours in 6 days. She finally was admitted to the hospital this morning, but her son just did not want to come out. So, now we await the news of the c-section. And I can't sleep.

People say not to listen to other peoples' birth stories when you're pregnant, especially because some people try to tell you their nightmarish stories, which you just really don't need to hear. But this is my sister, it's in my face, I've been in it for 6 days. And it's left me with a fairly loud reminder that I can hope for things to be a certain way and I should hope for things, but in the end I really must hold loosely to my expectations, not to say that I won't still feel disappointed or confused or sad if things go differently than I had hoped. But it's the difference between holding loosely, recognizing that ultimately, I'm not in control of a lot of things and living under the illusion that I have total control, only to find myself trainwrecked when things don't go as I had hoped. In the former, there is room for the pain and disappointment to be accompanied by joy and new meaning in the alternate outcome, and in the latter, not so much.

The birth of my son is quickly approaching and of course I'm getting lots of practice in holding loosely to the "when" part of that. But let's be honest, I have hopes for the birth, what woman doesn't? I have hopes that I will have an unmedicated, vaginal birth, where I will get to experience just how amazing the human female body is and the beauty of its design in bringing new life into this world. I'm not giving up on that hope, that desire that I have. But as I sit here and wait for the news of my nephew, I'm trying to practice holding loosely to my expectations, convinced that no matter how my little guy enters this world, I will love him deeply.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Today's Top 10


Overall, I can honestly say that I've enjoyed being pregnant. I mean, people are really nice to you, picking things up for you, smiling at you, and "strongly encouraging" you to rest. Women who have never talked to me at church or at Tom's soccer games, have struck up conversations with me, related to the pregnancy of course. At no other time in my life have I felt it to be so legitimate to take a nap and go to bed early. And really, I cannot complain in the least bit, because thus far, I've had a viable, healthy, and relatively easy pregnancy with no complications. So, this list is not meant to be a list of backhanded complaints about pregnancy.

Rather, it's in response to something else. It seems that people have taken it upon themselves to provide me with a good dose of reality as to what's coming next, read 'attempt to scare and depress me out of my mind' with their stories of how difficult and challenging having a kid is. While I don't doubt those things to be true and we are trying to brace as best we can for the upcoming storm, we trust that there are beautiful and wonderful things about having a kiddo too, right? I mean after all, people intentionally have more than one! I think I'm needing to focus on some of the positives too, so that I don't start regretting this decision to have a baby, which would be, umm 9 months too late!

So, in addition to the gift of the babe himself, I thought I'd make a little top 10 list of things I'm looking forward to about NOT being pregnant anymore. Perhaps a little something to hold on to when mini meuz is screaming at the top of his lungs at 3am and nothing seems to soothe him!

10. goodbye heartburn
9. being able to sleep on my back and stomach again
8. not going through a roll of toilet paper a day due to unbelievably frequent urination
7. seeing the bones in my feet again
6. being able to see my feet, reach them, and tie my own shoes again
5. the removal of the constant heater attached to my abdomen
4. being able to run again (eventually) without having to pee my pants 5 minutes into the run
3. not having to awkwardly crawl through the passenger's side of my car to get to the driver's seat because someone parked too close to the driver's side of the car for me and the belly to both get in!
2. the end to random strangers staring at and rubbing my belly while they are attempting to have a conversation with me.

and I'm not going to lie, the #1 thing I'm looking forward to in not being pregnant anymore:

1. the buffet of previously forbidden foods and beverages that I will partake in, including but perhaps not limited to, sushi, red wine (or maybe I should say, more than one glass a week), bleu cheese, very rare filet mignon, every soft cheese imaginable, cookie dough, a mojito, a caesar salad with homemade dressing, a turkey sandwhich, and a cold beer. And my stomach might actually be able to contain most of that when it's not smooshed up against my ribs anymore...woo hoo!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Somewhere In The Middle

So, I woke up this morning and as it turns out, I'm a year older. Yup, it's my birthday. With all of the other impending big events in my life, I almost forgot quite honestly, that is until people started asking me if I had any plans for my birthday. When I think about my birthday this year compared to my birthday last year, it's like night and day. So very much has happened in a year.

At this time last year, we were trying to get pregnant, and on my birthday I got the lovely indicator that a woman gets to inform her that she is indeed NOT pregnant...awesome, what a great birthday gift. I did, however, treat myself to a massage and facial with some birthday money I had received. It was the 2nd facial I've ever had in my life. (I was really pretty much a spa virgin until I got married at which point I was introduced to a whole new world of self-care). So, there I was laying in the chair, perhaps hoping for a little 'your not pregnant but here's a consolation prize' style pampering, when the lady asks me with that 'I'm trying not to judge you but I'm totally judging you' tone to her voice, "when's the last time you plucked your eyebrows?" My response, "uh, well, I've never plucked my eyebrows." Lady Judgment, "oh, yeah, I can tell." And then she launches an all out pain inducing campaign against my face, pokeing and prodding at my face for the next 30 minutes. Seriously lady, it's my freaking birthday. As if I wasn't already feeling like an old, silly, bloated, container of yuck, could she not just humor me with some kind words and some gentle pampering?

I know, boo hoo, right?! And to 'Lady Judgment's' defense, she didn't know all that I was carrying with me that day. But last year's birthday was definitely clouded by unmet desire and this year's birthday, a stark contrast, has been colored by desires met. My sister and I had the privilege of journeying through pregnancy (both healthy pregnancies) together, her due to give birth to her son in a week and me, due to give birth to my son in 4 weeks. My mom moved out here to Colorado last August as the first step in my parents' plan to move to Colorado permanently. They are set to close on their house out here in 2.5 weeks! I am leaving my full-time job in a little over a week, to be a stay at home mom to our son and Tom finished all of his classwork towards his PhD this year. So very much has happened and changed in one year. It's no wonder that my birthday flew under my radar this year.

Not only has so much changed this year, but I feel like there is SO much to be grateful for. But isn't there always so much to be grateful for? Even when our path goes awry from how we imagined it to go, even when circumstances are hard, really hard, and even when desires go unmet, aren't there still things to be grateful for? I'm not at all, suggesting we put on a fake perma-grin and pretend like all is great when it's not. Just the opposite, actually, I'm wishing that in the moment, I could feel what I feel, be it joy, pain, sadness, anger, laughter, excitement, and still acknowledge the giver of gifts. I wish that I could recognize the beautiful things, the provisions, the relationships, in each moment, not to counter or drown out the sadness or the ache of unmet desire, but rather just to sit along side those things.

Looking back, I hate that I allowed my birthday last year to be so clouded by the unmet desires I had and this year, I hope that my birthday is not colorful solely because those desires have been met. I hope that I can learn to live somewhere in the middle, where gratitude colors my life so abundantly, like wildflowers covering a Colorado mountainside in July.

It's hard to say what my attitude would be or what I'd be writing about if, a year later, we still were not pregnant on this birthday. I'd like to think that I would have grown in the process, but who knows. As I sit and reflect on this past year, what I do know is that I feel incredibly grateful for the journey I've been on this year and I look forward to where it will take me in the upcoming year.

So, here's to hoping, here's to practicing the art of gratitude, and here's to another year of life.