The Worry Bully

As many people know, I have a penchant for worrying. I'll just put that out there right away. I've experienced some significant losses of various kinds, resulting in a nearly constant fear of losing anything and everything "good" in my life. As you might imagine, the worrying grew stronger when I got married, because I suddenly felt like I had a whole lot more to lose. The deeper we love, the more we have to lose. After all, that's the great risk of loving, isn't it? The phrase that I attempt, with attempt being the key word, to live by, "love deeply, hold loosely," was birthed in me following the death of someone I loved very dearly. Following this loss I found myself face to face with the reality that there is a great risk in loving.

So, for a while in my life, the 'love deeply' part was the challenge. It felt easier to hold people a safe distance away, so as not to be hurt by them. As anyone who has ever tried this has discovered, it's a sad and loney way to live. That's a story for another day.

In the last several years, the other part of the phrase 'hold loosely,' has proved to be my Everest. Ha, it's not so easy when your natural tendency is to have a white-knuckle grasp on whatever it is you're afraid of losing. In my counseling work with one student, we are addressing the issue of worry in her life. Gotta love it when the things you're working on with a 9 year old are applicable to your own life! I suppose I will have a lot more of that coming with a kid on the way. I expect he will teach me a great deal and humble me often in the process. Anyway, in my work with this student, we have given a name to the worry she experiences. His name is "The Worry Bully." And the Worry Bully is this pesky, annoying creature that sits perched on one's shoulder, incessantly whispering and often times yelling all kinds of fear-inducing worst case scenarios into one's ear. I first became fully aware of my own Worry Bully when Tom and I got married, but he (yes, my worry bully takes on the persona of a 'he'...again, an entirely different can of worms!)...so he, the Worry Bully, has reared his ugly head in this last year. It started when we were trying to get pregnant. The words in my ear at that time went something like this, "what if you can't get pregnant? What if you can't have kids at all? You guys don't have the money to adopt. You're screwed. Ha ha, ha ha, haaaa ha." Ugh, it makes me so annoyed just thinking back to that time.

So then we did get pregnant, and the Worry Bully switched shoulders and changed his tune, "what if you miscarry? You'll be back to square one, think of the things that could go wrong" and so on and so forth. I reached a point where I had grown so tired of worrying, so much wasted energy. And I realized two things, one, there will ALWAYS be something, plenty really, to worry about. And two, the Worry Bully only has as much power as I give him. So somehow, with this realization I was able to lose the Worry Bully for a while. I pretty much breezed worry-free through the 2nd trimester. I think he headed south for the winter to bug someone else and work on his tan.

And then around my 27th week of pregnancy, he returned to his spot on my shoulder, more boisterous than ever. And the rants resumed, filling me with all kinds of doubts and fears about entering the mommyhood. They were mostly questions and they went something like this, "what if you're a bad parent? What if you make mistakes? (which I most certainly will) What if you do things that wound your child emotionally? (again, most likely inevitable) How are you going to support this child financially in the way you want to? What if becoming parents ruins your marriage? What if something awful happens to Tom and you are left to raise this child alone? You won't be able to do it." And on an on. Ughhh, "enough" I want to shout! I feel a little weak and embarrassed just typing it! And yet, just as I told the 9 year old I work with, in naming and acknowledging the Worry Bully, you strip him of some of his power, and you grow a little stronger.

And then there's the next step, talking back to the Worry Bully. As a child, I was pretty good at talking back, ask my mom! So, what do I say to this annoying dude whom I've allowed to flood my mind with an ocean-full of doubt and fear? "There is no fear in love, perfect love drives out fear." Well, my love is not perfect, far from it, but I know the One whose love is perfect. "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but one of power, of love, and of a sound mind." No, I will not be controlled by you, you stupid Worry Bully. Get your loud-mouthed, lying, bullying, sorry a*% off my shoulder. You're not welcome here. Adios.

And into that empty space, I invite the One whose love is perfect, claiming a peace that passes understanding and asking to be reminded over and over again of the truth as I journey forward one little step at a time into the mommyhood. And I beg for a whole lotta grace and mercy along the way!

I expect the Worry Bully to return from time to time in my life, after all, it's an ongoing growth edge for me, but I refuse to live this life choked by fear. I also expect that the One who has consistently provided for me and made a way for me in the past, the One who has brought me through the darkest of days, will walk me through whatever comes my way. So, here we go, into the final 10 weeks of pregnancy and for now, the Worry Bully is no where to be found.

Byproducts of the Burgeoning Belly

Today, faith is being sure that my feet are still there, even when I can't see them and hope is being certain that I will see them again one day!