A Dive Into the Deep

Wow! It’s been a while since I’ve last posted. I think I missed the entire month of May! I've been busy doing some other writing, spending time with my two favorite males, and well let's be honest, napping a little more often now that I'm once again brewing another human in my belly! Summer is in full swing, the birds are chirping, the grill is gettin’ regular action, and the mountains beckon on a daily basis as the temps soar into the 90s here in Denver. Ben is crawling his way towards the 1 year mark, which he will hit in only 3 weeks. And we will find out the sex of our second baby in a mere 2 weeks. Yes, there’s a lot goin’ on around here. June is the month when the trees and flowers are in full bloom here in Denver, and it also happens to be, like Ben, the month of my birth. I think that between all of the new life and growth surrounding me and the realization that I am another year older (and wiser, right?), it’s urged me to do some reflecting, dreaming, hoping, and planning. It has also caused me to ponder what it means to “live into who I am.” I’ve always said that the twenties are great because it’s a time of discovery, discovering who you are, what you love, and what you want your life to be about. And then the thirties are this marvelous time when you sort of settle in to who you are, hopefully having accepted (for the most part) who you are and who you’re not, being comfortable with what you’re good at and easily acknowledging those areas in which you are, shall we say, less than gifted!

I was really enjoying this stage of life, feeling like I’d developed a pretty strong sense of who I am, learning to care a lot less what other people think of me, when I got pregnant. After Ben was born, I quit my full-time job as a therapist to be a stay-at-home mom. And let me say, I love being at home with Ben and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. At the same time, it’s a new season and I have a new role, a big one. And I’ve spent the last year attempting to figure out or perhaps understand who I am as a mom, as well as remember the things I’m passionate about and how they fit with my new role. I’m reminded that I love writing, I love exercising and being outdoors, and I love connecting with others. So, I am trying to do those things on a consistent basis. Of course they look different now, as I fit my writing into the chunks of time when Ben is sleeping, I work out by pushing Ben in the stroller or carrying him on my back, and I usually connect with others at places like the playground or the pool. Yes, my life does revolve around my family, but I like it that way and it doesn’t mean that I still can’t pursue those things which are at the core of who I am. It all just takes on a new shape and I realize that it takes some time to figure out what that shape is.

As I’ve spent time reflecting and dreaming, I’ve had moments where the temptation to compare has gotten the best of me. I’ve always said that comparison is the thief of all joy. I will never live into who I am supposed to be if in my head, I am too busy comparing myself with (read: not measuring up to) other moms around me. Will I ever be the mom who keeps the perfect house that’s always clean? Nope. Will I ever be the mom who remembers to give my son his vitamin D drop or brush his 2 teeth twice a day? Probably not. Will I ever be the mom who works full-time, starts her own non-profit, and still manages to shuttle her kids to their sporting events AND cook gourmet meals (like a friend of mine)? Again, the chances are slim to none. Will I ever be a person who functions fabulously on 6 hours of sleep? Definitely not.

But for all the characteristics that I don’t possess, there are just as many that I do. And for me, it’s all about learning to accept who I’m not, embrace who I am, and still leave room for the possibility that I could become something I’m not yet aware of. It’s taken me a year, and that’s not to say that I’ve got it all figured out because that would be a big fat lie, but I’m once again starting to feel more comfortable with who I am. I am a wife, I am a mom, I am a friend, I am a runner, and I am a writer, among other things. So, here’s to dreams taking shape, goals being set, and living into who I was created to be. What does that look like for you to live into who you really are today?