Always Darkest Before the Dawn

For those of you that read my last couple of posts, you might have thought I was falling apart a bit. That's ok. I'm ok. More than anything, I'm just aiming to be honest and authentic about my journey, the sweet, amazing parts AND the disappointing, trying times. What I've found to be quite fascinating is that these often occur together, side by side. I sometimes feel like I'm living in a circle of paradoxes.Tears adorn laughter. Frustration dances with contentment. Anger smack dab in the middle of love. Energy in the midst of exhaustion. Beauty in the midst of struggle. Connection alongside loneliness. Fear intertwined with trust. As a mom, my love for my boys feels both euphoric and terrifying, for it runs that deep. But my appreciation for those paradoxes is growing, maybe not always in the moment in which they are occurring, but in the end. I believe that they provide a contrast that truly enriches us. I know loss because I know love. I so greatly appreciate a good belly laugh because I also know gut wrenching tears.

In the last two weeks, I feel like I have turned a corner. As Florence (and the Machine) has so wonderfully reminded me in her song, Shake it Out, it's always darkest before the dawn (By the way, that song makes me want to dance, dance all the darkness away. Check it out!). I wrote the last two posts about 3 weeks ago and since then it feels as though the dawn has come. I feel brighter. I feel the strength and grace of my Maker. I don't know how else to put it. Perhaps those crazy hormones have died down a bit. Perhaps it's because I've begun to find a rhythm and establish good routines. Perhaps it's because I'm figuring out just how fabulously helpful one deep breath can be amidst two screaming kids. Perhaps it's because I'm getting slightly more sleep. I'm guessing it's a combo of sorts. Regardless of the whys, I am grateful and hopeful and joyful. That's not to say that every moment has been perfect or gone smoothly, but it is to say that I feel much more calm, hopeful, and strong in the midst of those moments gone wrong. Maybe I'm learning to live a little better in the paradoxes of daily life. So, today, that's what I celebrate, the good and the bad, the easy and the hard existing side by side and me aiming to stand with a hopeful posture, right smack dab in the middle.