For The Love...

You know that saying, 'oh, for the love...'? It's often directed at another person and used to express frustration, perhaps with a dash of impatience. In my mind, it could be equated with other phrases like, 'C'MON, seriously?' or 'Are you for real?' It seems like it's usually used in conjunction with trying to get someone to do something, 'oh for the love of all that's good, would you just do xyz already!' So, for those of you that know me, you know that up in that crazy brain of mine resides a fascination with semantics. I often find myself hearing a word or a phrase and thinking, sometimes to myself and sometimes, (unfortunately) outloud, 'what does that really mean?'. So, I hear that phrase, 'for the love,' and I think, for the love of what? and what might you do for the love of that thing or that person? If you don't think I'm making sense right now, it's ok, hang tight, it's a stormy place up in that brain of mine.

In the time known as B.B. (Before Ben), I couldn't have imagined how much I would love this tiny being who's 100% dependent on me for his every need. Think about it, what other relationship do we engage in, other than the love of a child, in which we'd pour ourselves out in love without ever expecting anything in return? I mean, I've let friendships go because I reached a point where I felt like I was doing all of the initiating and the effort wasn't being reciprocated. But with a child, it feels so different. I feel like I would do just about anything over and over again, unreciprocated, 'for the love of Ben.' Now, I'm positive that that will be tested many a time when he starts talking back to me or able to run in the opposite direction of where I'm asking him to go, but for now, it's how I feel.

People say that babies do nothing but eat, sleep, and poop, yet my husband and I agree that that they do so much more. It turns out that they actually DO give so much in return for our love that I didn't expect. I experience so much joy in the way he nuzzles his face into my neck. And I love when he rests his head on my shoulder and for just a moment, releases his tiny clenched hands, as if to say, 'I feel safe here.' There is so much beauty in the sweet smell of his hair and the softness of his skin. And it melts me every time I witness his wide, toothless smile that exudes abundant joy in response to the simplest of things, like me waving a pen in front of him or a zerbert from his daddy. I admire the silent curiosity that reaches out from his big, bright blue eyes, as he takes in every corner, shape, and color that his new world presents. And as I watch him drift off into a peaceful sleep, I can't help but feel peace myself (and not just because it means the crying has stopped, but I'm not gonna lie, that's pretty wonderful too!). And I didn't ask for or expect any of that, it's just a total gift!

The Bible encourages people to have faith like a child, and I've spent a good deal of time wondering about what that might actually look like in day to day life. I think I understand it a little better now that I have a child, but I'm confident that I still have a great deal to learn about that from my son in the coming years. When I look into those big, bright blue eyes of his with their gaze fixed upon me, I wonder what he sees when he looks back at me. I can only hope that he sees a mom who is learning, and learning a lot from him, to be filled with faith like a child, pure and unconditional love, deeper trust in people and God, and uninhibited joy, like that which my son exudes.

Yeah, my baby definitely gives back much more than I ever could have imagined he would. But that's just a big, fat, huge added bonus, a total gift. It's not why I do what I do for him. I will change stinky diapers, wash those stinky diapers, fold his little clothes, read him books, sing silly songs, talk in a strangely high and sing-songy voice, rock him to sleep, make funny faces, continuously wipe his spit off of my arm and neck and leg and hair, eat nothing but turkey, squash, and rice for 3 weeks trying to determine what he's allergic to, perform the high risk, surgery-like task of clipping his tiny fingernails, and walk and walk and walk until the crying stops and my arms feel like they're going to fall off. It's a no brainer. Yes, I will do all of these things in a heartbeat...for the love, the love of Ben. And at this point, I'm just thankful for the little ways he communicates love back to me, but I'm not asking for anything in return. That being said, if he did want to start sleeping through the night, I certainly wouldn't be opposed!!!