Somewhere In The Middle

So, I woke up this morning and as it turns out, I'm a year older. Yup, it's my birthday. With all of the other impending big events in my life, I almost forgot quite honestly, that is until people started asking me if I had any plans for my birthday. When I think about my birthday this year compared to my birthday last year, it's like night and day. So very much has happened in a year.

At this time last year, we were trying to get pregnant, and on my birthday I got the lovely indicator that a woman gets to inform her that she is indeed NOT pregnant...awesome, what a great birthday gift. I did, however, treat myself to a massage and facial with some birthday money I had received. It was the 2nd facial I've ever had in my life. (I was really pretty much a spa virgin until I got married at which point I was introduced to a whole new world of self-care). So, there I was laying in the chair, perhaps hoping for a little 'your not pregnant but here's a consolation prize' style pampering, when the lady asks me with that 'I'm trying not to judge you but I'm totally judging you' tone to her voice, "when's the last time you plucked your eyebrows?" My response, "uh, well, I've never plucked my eyebrows." Lady Judgment, "oh, yeah, I can tell." And then she launches an all out pain inducing campaign against my face, pokeing and prodding at my face for the next 30 minutes. Seriously lady, it's my freaking birthday. As if I wasn't already feeling like an old, silly, bloated, container of yuck, could she not just humor me with some kind words and some gentle pampering?

I know, boo hoo, right?! And to 'Lady Judgment's' defense, she didn't know all that I was carrying with me that day. But last year's birthday was definitely clouded by unmet desire and this year's birthday, a stark contrast, has been colored by desires met. My sister and I had the privilege of journeying through pregnancy (both healthy pregnancies) together, her due to give birth to her son in a week and me, due to give birth to my son in 4 weeks. My mom moved out here to Colorado last August as the first step in my parents' plan to move to Colorado permanently. They are set to close on their house out here in 2.5 weeks! I am leaving my full-time job in a little over a week, to be a stay at home mom to our son and Tom finished all of his classwork towards his PhD this year. So very much has happened and changed in one year. It's no wonder that my birthday flew under my radar this year.

Not only has so much changed this year, but I feel like there is SO much to be grateful for. But isn't there always so much to be grateful for? Even when our path goes awry from how we imagined it to go, even when circumstances are hard, really hard, and even when desires go unmet, aren't there still things to be grateful for? I'm not at all, suggesting we put on a fake perma-grin and pretend like all is great when it's not. Just the opposite, actually, I'm wishing that in the moment, I could feel what I feel, be it joy, pain, sadness, anger, laughter, excitement, and still acknowledge the giver of gifts. I wish that I could recognize the beautiful things, the provisions, the relationships, in each moment, not to counter or drown out the sadness or the ache of unmet desire, but rather just to sit along side those things.

Looking back, I hate that I allowed my birthday last year to be so clouded by the unmet desires I had and this year, I hope that my birthday is not colorful solely because those desires have been met. I hope that I can learn to live somewhere in the middle, where gratitude colors my life so abundantly, like wildflowers covering a Colorado mountainside in July.

It's hard to say what my attitude would be or what I'd be writing about if, a year later, we still were not pregnant on this birthday. I'd like to think that I would have grown in the process, but who knows. As I sit and reflect on this past year, what I do know is that I feel incredibly grateful for the journey I've been on this year and I look forward to where it will take me in the upcoming year.

So, here's to hoping, here's to practicing the art of gratitude, and here's to another year of life.