I should warn you that it's 2:20 am, so if anything in here doesn't make sense, chalk it up to a sleep deprived pregnant woman. Many people who know me well are familiar with my life 'motto,' for lack of a better word, "love deeply, hold loosely." Ever since someone very dear to me passed away, I have attempted to live my life in this way, attempted being the key word. And it seems to be the holding loosely part that often bites me in the you know where. You'd think I'd have gotten it by now with all the practice I've had, but no, there always seem to be more opportunities for growth in this area.
So, why am I writing this at 2 something in the morning? Because I can't sleep. Because my little sister is in the middle of an emergency c-section after one of the most difficult labors I've ever heard of in my life. She's been having relatively strong contractions every 5-10 min apart since last Wednesday at 4:30 a.m. That's right, she hadn't slept for more than 2 hours in 6 days. She finally was admitted to the hospital this morning, but her son just did not want to come out. So, now we await the news of the c-section. And I can't sleep.
People say not to listen to other peoples' birth stories when you're pregnant, especially because some people try to tell you their nightmarish stories, which you just really don't need to hear. But this is my sister, it's in my face, I've been in it for 6 days. And it's left me with a fairly loud reminder that I can hope for things to be a certain way and I should hope for things, but in the end I really must hold loosely to my expectations, not to say that I won't still feel disappointed or confused or sad if things go differently than I had hoped. But it's the difference between holding loosely, recognizing that ultimately, I'm not in control of a lot of things and living under the illusion that I have total control, only to find myself trainwrecked when things don't go as I had hoped. In the former, there is room for the pain and disappointment to be accompanied by joy and new meaning in the alternate outcome, and in the latter, not so much.
The birth of my son is quickly approaching and of course I'm getting lots of practice in holding loosely to the "when" part of that. But let's be honest, I have hopes for the birth, what woman doesn't? I have hopes that I will have an unmedicated, vaginal birth, where I will get to experience just how amazing the human female body is and the beauty of its design in bringing new life into this world. I'm not giving up on that hope, that desire that I have. But as I sit here and wait for the news of my nephew, I'm trying to practice holding loosely to my expectations, convinced that no matter how my little guy enters this world, I will love him deeply.
Oh my word Melissa! How did everything turn out with your sister and her baby? I cannot imagine the ordeal that she has been through. A lot of your thoughts were mine as well (though I didn't have my sister's long, complex labor to remind me). It's very wise to have loose expectations but to know what you want at the same time. I'll be praying that no matter what, you have a healthy, happy baby!! That's what I ended up praying, cause ultimately that's the goal:)
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